In this module, you will explore systemic issues—including family of origin and sociocultural concerns—and their relationship to marital func

Wright, N. (1992). The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago, IL: Moody.

CHAPTER 4

Dysfunc onal Family Background and the Engaged Couple

Anew vocabulary exists in today’s counseling that includes words and phrases such as codependent, dysfunc onal, and adult child. The vocabulary reflects counseling developments in the past two decades that can help in predic ng the future pa erns—and problems—in a marriage. It is vital for anyone conduc ng premarital counseling to understand dysfunc onal characteris cs and roles in order to iden fy the effects of these upon a person’s life and any subsequent marital rela onship. Consider two single women, Susan and Mary. (All names in this book are changed to protect the iden es of the counselees.) Each is engaged and each finds that her family es bind her to the past and make her ques on the future. Susan is a twenty-year-old junior, a ending a college 2,000 miles from home. She is planning to be married in eight months. “Dad calls me every other day to get advice or to complain about Mother,” she told me. “He tells me things he should have shared with Mother over the years. I’ve probably received more a en on from him than from my mother or any of the other kids. I thought that when I went away to school I wouldn’t have to be this involved with my family. But it hasn’t changed. Why has this happened? And how is it going to affect my marriage? Will he do this a er I’m married?” What is Susan saying about her family of origin? Mary is a perfec onist. Her dress is impeccable and everything about her is precise. It’s difficult for her to relax because she feels that she is always on display. Her fiance is more laid back and accep ng. He keeps encouraging her not to be so structured and up ght. She told me that her parents were divorced when she was four. When her mother remarried several years later, Mary found out that her stepfather saw her as a “necessary nuisance”—that’s what he called her. He was a cold, rigid workaholic. “Do you know why I am such a perfec onist?” Mary asked me. “It’s true there are some benefits to perfec onism, but at mes I wonder if there isn’t a be er way to live. Why am I this way? And John and I are so different! How will this affect our marriage?”

THE HOME THAT SHAPED YOU Many factors combine to make us who we are. A person is the product of his family birth order, his neurological structure, and interac ons with his mother, father, siblings, and so on. But the atmosphere of a home, and especially the rela onship with parents, has a significant impact on shaping iden ty and behavior.

The Func onal Family If a person was reared in a healthy home, he or she is fortunate. These families are called func onal families because they func on effec vely and produc vely. Func onal families display many of the following posi ve quali es: If a person was reared in a healthy home, he or she is fortunate. These families are called func onal families because they func on effec vely and produc vely. Func onal families display many of the following posi ve quali es: • The climate of the home is posi ve. The atmosphere is basically nonjudgmental. • Each member of the family is valued and accepted for who he or she is. There is regard for individual characteris cs. • Each person is allowed to operate within his or her proper role. A child is allowed to be a child and an adult is an adult. • Members of the family care for one another, and they verbalize their caring and affirma on. • The communica on process is healthy, open, and direct. There are no double messages. • Children are reared in such a way that they can mature and become individuals in their own right. They separate from Mom and Dad in a healthy manner. • The family enjoys being together. They do not get together out of a sense of obliga on. • Family members can laugh together, and they enjoy life together. • Family members can share their hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns with one another and s ll be accepted. A healthy level of in macy exists within the home. The Dysfunc onal Family The characteris cs of a healthy, func onal family are just opposite those of a dysfunc onal family. Dysfunc onal families lack much of the acceptance, openness, affirma on, communica on, love, and togetherness of healthy families. In many cases, a dysfunc onal family is the product of a dysfunc onal husband-father, one who has failed to fill a healthy, posi ve role due to noninvolvement, domina on, illness/death, or perhaps deser on/divorce. Several mes a year I travel on airplanes. So far I’ve always arrived at my intended des na on, mainly because the plane stayed on course. If a plane were to stray off course just a few degrees, I might end up in Cuba instead of Washington, D.C. The longer a plane travels off course, the farther it wanders from its des na on.

A dysfunc onal family is a family that has strayed off course. Though they probably don’t think of it in these terms, every newly married couple wants to build a func onal family. Their “des na on” is a loving, healthy, happy rela onship between husband and wife, parents and children. But many li le things can go wrong in families: feelings get hurt, needs and expecta ons go unmet. If these minor midcourse errors are not corrected, greater problems arise: love and acceptance are withheld, “me” and “mine” take priority over “us” and “ours.” Soon the prospec ve “happy family” is far off course and exhibi ng many other characteris cs. Many children from dysfunc onal families are thrust into adulthood feeling empty and incomplete, afraid and unable to trust because their needs went unmet. And when they don’t feel secure in themselves, they look for some type of security outside of themselves. They’re always trying to fill up the empty space inside. It’s this constant quest to have needs met that leads people to create or adopt compulsive or addic ve behavior pa erns, and to make poor choices for marital partners or place impossible demands upon their spouses. Any family can become dysfunc onal for a period of me, especially during a crisis when people don’t func on at their normal levels. O en someone else—such as a pastor or a counselor— must step in and help them func on un l they get back to normal. But in a dysfunc onal family the crisis is perpetual and the roles of the family members are usually constant. One of the best descrip ons of a dysfunc onal family comes from author Sara Hines Mar n: It can be a home where a parent or grandparent is chronically ill or mentally ill or a home where a parent is emo onally ill, including chronically depressed. It could also be a home where one parent dies and the surviving parent is so overcome by grief he or she is unable to cope with the paren ng tasks; a home where physical and/or sexual abuse takes place; a home where suicide has taken place; a home where a child was adopted; and the rigidly religious home. (This last category surprises many people because nothing is specifically done, as in the other categories. This type of home produces similar dynamics because children are not valued for themselves but are raised by rigid rules. The father, if a minister, may neglect his family while carrying out his work. The children can get the feeling they must make the parents look good in the eyes of the community.) In summary, these families focus on a problem, addic on, trauma, or some “secret” rather than on the child. The home is shame-and-blame based.1 The phrase “shame-and-blame based” is one of the best descrip ons for this type of home. It is totally contrary to the pa ern of love and acceptance presented in the Scriptures. Some of the people you counsel during premarital sessions come from such a home.

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY Families that stray off course display several telltale traits. How many of these exist in a family and how o en they occur reflect how far the family has strayed from healthy family norms. The counselor should look for these during the conversa ons with the couple or on the informa on provided on the Family History Analysis.

Abuse Abuses that characterize the dysfunc onal family can include physical, emo onal, or sexual injury or neglect. Abuse may be blatant, such as some family member striking or screaming at another. It can be subtle, as when one person ignores another. Abuse can also be vicarious, such as the inner pain the individual suffers when observing the abuse experienced by his mother, brother, or sister. One form of abuse that is o en overlooked because it leaves no visible scars is emo onal mistreatment. Here are some examples: • Giving a child choices that are only nega ve, such as saying, “Either eat every bite of your dinner or get a spanking” • Constantly projec ng blame onto a child • Distor ng a child’s sense of reality, such as saying, “Your father doesn’t have a drinking problem, he just works too hard and he’s red” • Overprotec ng a child • Blaming others for the child’s problem • Communica ng double messages to the child, such as saying, “Yes, I love you” while glaring hatefully at the child (the child will believe the nonverbal message and be confused by the words) Perfec onism Perfec onism is rarely considered an unhealthy symptom, but it is a common source of many family problems, especially in Chris an homes. A er all, isn’t the challenge of the Chris an life to be perfect as God is perfect? Not really Chris ans are called to live a life of excellence. Excellence is a ainable, perfec onism is not. Expec ng perfect behavior from spouse or children, even in a Chris an family, is living in a world of unreality. A perfec onis c parent conveys his or her standards and expecta ons through verbal rebukes and correc ons, frowns, penetra ng glances, smirks, and so on, which con nually imply, “It’s not good enough.” He lives and leads by oughts, shoulds, and musts. These are “torture words” that elevate guilt and lower self-esteem. Rigidity Dysfunc onal families are characterized by unbending rules and strict lifestyles and belief systems. Life is full of compulsions, rou nes, controlled situa ons and rela onships, and unrealis c and unchallenged beliefs. Joy? There is none. Surprises? There are none. Spontaneity? There will be none—unless it is planned! The PREPARE Inventory will give the counselor indica ons of this characteris c.

Silence Dysfunc onal families operate by a gag rule: no talking outside these walls. Don’t share family secrets with anyone. Don’t ask anyone else for help if you’re having a problem. Keep it in the family. If the gag rule existed at home, a person probably grew up thinking that he had to handle all of his problems by himself. It’s difficult for him to ask for assistance or advice. Openness in rela onship with his or her fiance may be lacking or there could be a low level of trust. This may come out on the communica on category of PREPARE or the Expressive/Inhibited category on the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis.® Repression A man or woman may have grown up in a family where emo ons were controlled and repressed instead of iden fied and expressed. Emo onal repression has been called the death sentence of a marriage. Anger, sadness, joy, and pain that should be expressed among family members are buried. The name of the game is to express the feelings that are appropriate instead of what you really feel. Deny reality and disguise your true iden ty by wearing a mask is the lesson learned. Emo ons are a very important part of life. Like a pressure valve, they help us interpret and respond to the joys and sorrows of life. Clogging the valve by repressing or denying feelings leads to physical problems such as ulcers, depression, high blood pressure, headaches, and a suscep bility to many other physical ailments. Repressing feelings can trigger overea ng, anorexia and bulemia, substance abuse, and compulsions of all types. And in a marriage, it kills the rela onship. Once again the Expressive/Inhibited trait on the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis® will be an important factor to discuss in your premarital counseling. Triangula on Some individuals you see will bear the effects of triangula on. This refers to the communica on process in the family. In triangula on, one family member uses another family member as a go- between. Father tells his daughter Jean, “Go see if your mother is s ll angry at me. Tell her I love her.” Jean complies with his request. But Mother retorts, “Tell your father to get lost!” How does Jean feel about ge ng caught in the middle? Perhaps she feels like a failure. She let her father down. Perhaps she fears that her mother is angry at her. If triangula on is a regular pa ern in a family, the child feels used and becomes involved in problems of which she should not be a part. She becomes a guilt collector, experiencing feelings she doesn’t need and cannot handle. Throughout her life she tries to be a “fixer” and could easily carry this tendency into her marriage. Double Messages A wife asks her husband if he loves her. “Of course I do,” he says as he gulps his food while reading the newspaper. Then he spends four hours in front of the TV and goes to bed without

saying one more word to her. His words say, “I love you,” but his ac ons say, “I don’t care about you at all.” It’s a double message. A young girl puts her arms around her father and feels his back s ffen as he subtly tries to pull away Both say, “I love you,” but she also hears his body language saying he doesn’t like being close to her. It’s a double message. Double messages abound: “I love you”/“Don’t bother me now”; “I love you”/“Get lost”; “I need you”/“You’re in my way”; “Yes, I accept you”/“Why can’t you be more like Susan?” Double messages are confusing, especially to a child. Ask your couple if either experienced this in their homes. If so, how did they feel when this happened? How will it affect their marriage? Lack of Fun Dysfunc onal families are typically unable to loosen up, play, and have fun. They are overbalanced to the serious side of life. Their mo os are: “Be Serious;” “Work Hard;” “You Are What You Do.” When members of a dysfunc onal family engage in play, it usually ends up with someone ge ng hurt. They don’t know when to stop. And humor is used as much to hurt as to have fun. There can be a major conflict in a new marriage if one person comes from this background. Their partner knows how to have fun, but they don’t. Martyrdom Dysfunc onal families display a high tolerance for personal abuse and pain. Children hear their parents preaching that others come first, no ma er what the personal cost. Children see their parents punish themselves through excessive behaviors such as drinking too much, overworking, overea ng, or exercising too hard. Children are challenged: “Tough it out, son; big boys don’t cry”; “You aren’t hurt, Jane, so quit that whimpering—or else!” They see themselves as vic ms, pleasers, or martyrs. As adults, these people learn to brace themselves against weakness by denying themselves pleasure, advantage, or by suppressing their true feelings. Some martyrs actually pride themselves on how much they can bear before the pain becomes intolerable. What impact will this have on a marriage? In your counseling look for this tendency on the Family History Analysis and the Dominant/Submissive trait on the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis. Entanglement The members of a dysfunc onal family are emo onally and rela onally entangled in each other’s lives. Individual iden es are enmeshed. There are no clear-cut boundaries between each member. Everybody is poking his nose into everybody else’s business. Mom makes Dad’s problems her problems, Dad makes the kids’ problems his problems, and so on. If one family member is unhappy, the whole family is blue, and everybody blames everybody else for the state they’re in. It’s as though the whole family is si ng together on a giant swing. When one goes up, the others go up. When one goes down, the others go down. Nobody thinks or feels for himself. The lack of proper boundaries can be very destruc ve in a new marriage. Look at the Family History Analysis and PREPARE for indica ons.

ROLES WITHIN A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

O en those who come from a dysfunc onal family develop an obvious role. As a child grew up he probably played a role or combina on of roles in his interac on with his family. The role was not his true self, but an iden ty he took on, or was forced to play, in order to get along in the dysfunc onal family People usually con nue to play their roles as they move through adult life. O en the role is a mask, a way of coping with the pain of not having needs fully met by a father or mother or other family members. If a person didn’t receive recogni on or affirma on for who he was, he may have tended to take on a role that garnered him the a en on he needed. Consider these ten roles: The Doer The doer is a very busy individual who provides most of the maintenance func ons in a family. Also called the responsible one, he or she makes sure that the bills are paid and that people are fed, clothed, and chauffeured. These tasks need to be completed even in a func onal home, but the doer uses almost all his me and energy to do them. The family’s mo o is: “Give it to him and it will get done.” The doer has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility that drives him. The person receives sa sfac on from his accomplishments because family members like what he does and, in one way or another, they encourage the person to “keep it up.” O en the doer feels red, isolated, ignored, and used. But the recogni on received for what is done keeps him going. Some mes the doer is also the enabler in the family. The doer in most families is one of the parents, o en the mother. In any way is one of your premarital clients a doer? The Enabler The enabler provides the family with emo onal and rela onal nurture and a sense of belonging. She or he is the peacemaker, preserving family unity at all costs. The main goal is to avoid conflicts and help everyone get along. Ac ons are driven by two fears: the fear that family members cannot survive without each other and the fear of being abandoned. Enabling behavior usually happens so gradually that the enabler is o en unaware of it. The person is constrained to do whatever is necessary to keep the family on an even keel. Unfortunately, the enabler will even excuse or defend a family member’s dysfunc onal behavior in order to keep peace. For example, the wife of an alcoholic may cover for him and deny that he has a problem in an a empt to hold the family together. But, sadly, enabling behavior also allows the enabled family member to con nue his dysfunc onal behavior. Some mes the enabler can be unpleasant, resor ng to anger, nagging, or sarcasm to get the family to do what is wanted. Some Chris an enablers misuse their faith in family crises. Instead of doing something construc ve about a problem, they sit around wai ng for God to intervene

with a miracle. Look for behavior or responses in your session as well as submissive scores on the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis to indicate this pa ern. The Loner This person copes with family pressures by physically or emo onally withdrawing from others. He or she avoids in mate contact with family members, preferring to stay out of sight, either in his room or away from the home. When they are with others they don’t enter in much. In a sense the withdrawal fills the need other family members have for autonomy and separateness. But the way it’s done is unhealthy for everyone. A loner probably doesn’t feel close to either parent. No ce the responses on the first three pages of the Family History Analysis. Usually the person’s personality is quite passive, and he shows very li le anger. The loner rarely dis nguishes himself in any way and o en goes unno ced. Even moments of accomplishment are o en overshadowed by others who a ract the limelight. This is the lost child, the forgo en one in the family. Many lost children grow up to be lost adults. Sadly, they never find their place in life, living en rely in denial. You can imagine what happens when they marry. Look for low scores in the ac ve social, expressive, and sympathe c traits on the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis. The Hero Everyone seems to like having a hero around, someone whose success and achievement brings recogni on and pres ge to the family. The hero is addicted to pleasing others: parents, teachers, employers, God. When the family star successfully fulfills parents’ dreams, he o en accepts the dream as his own. And the acknowledgment he receives for his good deeds builds up the self-esteem of his family members. But the personal cost for playing this role is astronomical. Heroes strive for achievement at the sacrifice of their own well-being. They don’t develop a well-integrated personal value system because their focus is always on pleasing others. They tend to be very cri cal, so friendships are difficult to come by. Feelings are guarded closely because of the fears that if real feelings come rushing out weakness will be obvious. Heroes are o en the oldest children in families. As such, they o en become enablers by denying themselves in order to care for younger siblings in order to please their parents. But the results in adult life can be hur ul. Heroes eventually burn out because of their strenuous efforts to be good through overachieving. As the hero’s external role gradually disintegrates, he begins to behave in ways that are totally foreign to him. Heroes o en turn out to be the complete opposites of their assumed roles. What type of future spouse might this person tend to choose? Tend to a ract? The Mascot The mascot is the family clown. He or she brings humor into the family through play, fun, and even silliness. Clowns are always joking and cu ng up, especially when confronted by difficult

situa ons. The fun-loving nature is a great cover for feelings of pain and isola on. The mascot’s humor brings the a en on that he is unable to gain in other areas. As you counsel a couple, it’s easy to be so entertained by a mascot that you miss the pain he carries or the poten al problems in a rela onship. The Manipulator Manipulators are clever controllers in families. They learn early how to get others to do what they want them to do. They know how to seduce, to charm, to play sick, and to appear weak. They use every trick in the book to get their way. Some mes it’s difficult to iden fy this pa ern in the limited me you have in premarital counseling. The Cri c The cri c is the fault-finder in the family. He sees the water glass as half empty instead of half full. Cri cs are characterized by sarcasm, hur ul teasing, and complaining. They would rather use energy to tear others down than build them up. Cri cs are not very pleasant to be around, but some families must endure them. Look at the Hos le scale on the T-JTA to help in iden fying this tendency. The Scapegoat The scapegoat is the family vic m. He or she ends up as the blame collector for everyone else. Everyone else in the family looks at his misbehavior and says, “If it weren’t for him, our family would be all right.” If the scapegoat tries to change his role, other family members won’t let him off the hook. As long as he’s around, they have someone to blame for their own irresponsibility. Even though scapegoats don’t seem to care what is going on, they usually are the most sensi ve persons in the family They’re especially sensi ve to the hurt they see in the family, so the stress they feel through their misbehavior is o en acted out. Their ac ons may be a cry to the rest of the family to do something about the hur ul things that are happening in the home. When the scapegoat is a child in the family, he feels responsible for keeping his parents’ marriage together. If he senses problems between them, he may misbehave to unify them in a acking him. Vic ms may tend to marry someone who will help them con nue this role since they are so accustomed to it. Or they may be looking to be rescued. Daddy’s Li le Princess/Mommy’s Li le Man Some parents refer to their children using the above terms, and o en they do so in fun. But in some families these terms are not harmless nicknames. They’re subtle and intense forms of emo onal abuse. For example, a dysfunc onal father may thrust his daughter into the role of li le princess as a subs tute for his wife in some ways. This father is afraid of ge ng his emo onal needs met by his wife, so he elevates his daughter to princess status and uses her to gain emo onal fulfillment. A mother could do the same with her son. Being a parent’s li le princess or prince may make the child feel special. But, unfortunately, the youngster is denied his childhood because the parent demands adult responses from him. The

boundaries of the child are not respected; they’re violated. When the child grows up, in many cases he becomes the vic m of physical or emo onal abuse by other adults. It’s a poten ally dangerous situa on. The Saint As the saint, this child is expected, in an implied rather than an explicit way, to be the one to express the family’s spirituality. For example, parents may expect their daughter to go into full-

me Chris an work. But under the pressure of conforming to this role, she may end up denying her sexuality because her normal desires seem so unspiritual. Her worth as a person becomes dependent upon following the course of ac on laid out by her parents. A young man may learn to give the outward appearance of being spiritual, but it could be just a cover up. Anger could be repressed, and he may be hesitant to be totally honest with you or his fiancée for fear of tain ng his image. It’s important to remember that the reason these roles are unhealthy is because they are just that—roles. In a healthy family, no one is pigeonholed into one slot and expected to remain there the rest of his or her life. In a healthy family one is allowed to be oneself and one’s own personality is allowed to come to the forefront. Other family members encourage one another to develop and express individuality. Mother and father are united in their beliefs and values. Their children tend to be more secure since they don’t feel the need to take on roles in order to keep the family in balance. You may be wondering, “Why would anyone want to con nue playing a role, especially those that are so unhealthy for the individual or the family?” It’s not usually a ma er of choice. A person adopts a role in a dysfunc onal family as a means of defense, a way to deal with family difficul es and pressures. That role becomes part of that individual’s personality As he grows into adulthood, he con nues to u lize that role to deal with problems in the world outside the family. He may realize to some extent the pain of the role, but it’s usually easier to accept that pain than to face the world without the defensive armor of the role.

REACTING INSTEAD OF RESPONDING One other major symptom seen in individuals from dysfunc onal families is codependency. Most counselors have heard this term, but not all are aware of how widespread codependency is. Melody Bea e, author of Codependent No More, has defined the codependent person as “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”2 The word commonly refers to a wife who doggedly stays beside her alcoholic husband thinking that she can help him. But now it describes more broadly anyone who subjects himself or herself to a problem person. A parent could be codependent to a problem child. This defini on takes on greater meaning through the experiences of codependents. One woman said, “For me codependency means staying married to an alcoholic.” Another person said, “I’m always looking for someone to rescue.” A thrice-married forty-year-old woman said, “For me it means looking for men with problems and marrying them. They are either alcoholic, workaholic